I've sat across from hundreds of men who all say some version of the same thing: "I feel like no matter what I do, I'm the problem."
They're exhausted. They've apologized for things they didn't do. They've kept secrets they didn't create. They've spent years trying to earn approval from people who were never going to give it.
And here's what I tell them: You're not crazy. You're the scapegoat. And that's a role you can walk away from.
What a Scapegoat Actually Is
In family systems theory, the scapegoat is the person who carries the blame for the family's dysfunction. They're the "identified patient" - the one everyone points to and says, "See? That's the problem."
But here's what most people miss: the scapegoat isn't chosen because they're the weakest. They're usually chosen because they're the one who sees the dysfunction clearly. They ask uncomfortable questions. They don't play along with the narrative.
The family doesn't target them because something is wrong with them. The family targets them because something is wrong with the family - and the scapegoat is the one who noticed.
Signs You Might Be the Scapegoat
After 35,000 clinical hours, I've seen patterns. Here's what scapegoating actually looks like:
You're held to a different standard. Your sibling forgets a birthday and it's no big deal. You forget one and it becomes evidence of your character. The rules seem to shift depending on who's breaking them.
Your motives are always questioned. You could cure cancer and someone in your family would ask what you're really after. Meanwhile, others get the benefit of the doubt you've never received.
You're the one expected to apologize. Even when you didn't start it. Even when you weren't involved. Somehow, family peace depends on you being the one to smooth things over.
Your memory gets challenged. "That never happened." "You're being dramatic." "You always exaggerate." When a family needs to protect its narrative, the person who remembers the truth becomes the threat.
You feel relief when you're not around them. This one surprises people. They expect to feel sad or guilty when they distance themselves. Instead, they feel like they can finally breathe.
Why Good Men Stay Stuck
Here's something I've noticed with the men I work with: the scapegoat role often gets reinforced by the very qualities that make them good men.
They're loyal. They believe in family. They want to honor their parents. They've been taught that love means staying no matter what.
So they keep showing up. Keep trying. Keep hoping that this time, things will be different.
But there's a hard truth that most pastors won't tell you: some people are not interested in reconciliation. They're interested in control. And your continued presence in the system isn't helping anyone heal - it's helping them avoid accountability.
Forgiveness doesn't require you to keep volunteering for abuse.
How to Stop Playing the Role
Walking away from the scapegoat role isn't about revenge. It's not about proving anything. It's about recognizing that you've been playing a game you were designed to lose.
First, stop defending yourself. I know that sounds counterintuitive. But when you're constantly explaining, justifying, and proving your innocence, you're still operating inside their system. You're still accepting the premise that you're on trial.
You're not on trial. You don't owe anyone a defense.
Second, grieve what you're not going to get. This is the part nobody wants to do. You're not going to get the apology. You're not going to get the acknowledgment. You're not going to get the family you deserved.
That grief is real. Let yourself feel it. But don't let it keep you trapped.
Third, build your own table. You don't have to fight for a seat at a table where the menu is your dignity. Build relationships with people who see you clearly. Invest in a marriage that reflects who you actually are. Surround yourself with people who don't need you to be broken so they can feel whole.
A Word to the Man Reading This
If any of this hit close to home, I want you to hear something: You are not the problem you were told you were.
The fact that you've survived this long in a system designed to break you says something about your strength. The fact that you're reading this says you're ready for something different.
Lions don't bow.
You were built for more than being someone's emotional punching bag. And walking away from that role isn't abandonment - it's obedience to a God who never asked you to sacrifice your soul on the altar of dysfunction.
If you're ready to break free and don't know where to start, that's exactly the work I do. Reach out.
Dr. Johnathan Hines holds a Doctorate in Christian Counseling with over 35,000 clinical hours. He specializes in helping men escape toxic family systems and build marriages that actually work.