Four Horsemen Intervention Protocol

John Gottman's research identified four communication patterns that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These "Four Horsemen" erode connection and escalate conflict. This protocol provides clinicians with identification criteria and specific interventions for each pattern.

The Four Horsemen

1. Criticism

Definition: Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior.

Sounds like: "You always..." "You never..." "What's wrong with you?" "You're so selfish."

Differs from complaint: A complaint addresses a specific behavior. Criticism attacks the person.

2. Contempt

Definition: Treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or superiority.

Sounds like: Eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, hostile humor.

Most damaging: Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It conveys: "You are beneath me."

3. Defensiveness

Definition: Self-protection through making excuses or meeting complaints with counter-complaints.

Sounds like: "It's not my fault." "You do it too." "I only did that because you..."

Function: Escalates conflict by refusing to accept any responsibility.

4. Stonewalling

Definition: Withdrawing from interaction, shutting down, becoming unresponsive.

Looks like: Turning away, busy behaviors, monosyllabic responses, leaving the room.

Physiological basis: Often occurs when heart rate exceeds 100 BPM (flooding).

Intervention: The Antidotes

Criticism → Gentle Start-Up

Teach couples to begin conversations softly:

• Use "I" statements: "I feel... about... and I need..."
• Describe the situation without blame
• Express a positive need (what you want, not what you don't want)
• Be polite and appreciative

Contempt → Build Culture of Appreciation

Contempt is best addressed preventively:

• Daily appreciation rituals (5:1 positive to negative ratio)
• Fondness and admiration exercises
• Processing underlying hurt that fuels contempt
• Addressing chronic resentment in individual sessions if needed

Defensiveness → Accept Responsibility

Even partial responsibility de-escalates:

• "You're right, part of this is my fault."
• "I can see how you might feel that way."
• "What I hear you saying is..." (active listening)
• Apologize for the impact even if intent was different

Stonewalling → Self-Soothing and Physiological Breaks

Stonewalling requires physiological intervention:

• Teach couples to recognize flooding
• Establish "time-out" protocol (minimum 20 minutes)
• Self-soothing activities during break
• Commitment to return and repair

In-Session Interventions

1. Stop the action: When you observe a Horseman, pause the conversation
2. Name without shaming: "I noticed something that happens in a lot of couples..."
3. Teach the antidote: Model and practice the alternative
4. Replay: Have the couple try again using new skills
5. Assign homework: Practice antidotes between sessions

This clinical resource is provided by Dr. Hines Inc. For Gottman Method training or referrals, contact (918) 212-5330.