DARVO: How Abusers Flip the Script

You finally work up the courage to confront them. You have your facts straight. You know what they did. You're ready to address it calmly and directly.

Twenty minutes later, you're apologizing. You're defending yourself against accusations that came out of nowhere. You're trying to prove that you're not the abusive one, the crazy one, the one who's destroying the relationship.

How did that happen?

It's called DARVO. And once you understand it, you'll never fall for it again.

What Is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd to describe a common manipulation tactic used by abusers when they're confronted with their behavior. It stands for:

D: Deny the behavior occurred.

A: Attack the person confronting them.

RVO: Reverse Victim and Offender so that the abuser appears to be the victim and the actual victim appears to be the abuser.

It's a complete inversion of reality. And it works because it happens so fast and so smoothly that you don't realize what's happening until you're already twisted around.

How DARVO Works in Real Conversations

The Deny. You say "You lied to me about where you were last night." They respond "I never lied. I told you exactly where I was." Even if you have evidence, they deny. Sometimes they'll deny specific words while technically admitting to the behavior. Sometimes they'll deny the behavior happened at all. The goal is to make you doubt yourself before the conversation even gets started.

The Attack. When denial doesn't work, they attack. "Why are you always so paranoid?" "You're obsessed with controlling me." "You go through my stuff?" "What kind of person interrogates their spouse like this?" The attack shifts the focus from what they did to what's wrong with you. Suddenly you're not discussing their lying. You're defending your right to ask questions.

The Reverse Victim and Offender. This is where the real magic happens. "I can't believe you'd accuse me of this. Do you know how hurtful that is?" "You're the one who's emotionally abusive, always accusing and attacking me." "I'm walking on eggshells around you because nothing I do is ever good enough." Now they're the wounded party. You came in with a legitimate concern and somehow ended up being the one who needs to apologize for causing them pain.

Why DARVO Is So Effective

It exploits your empathy. If you're a caring person, seeing someone upset triggers your desire to comfort them. DARVO weaponizes this. The moment they show hurt or distress, your instinct kicks in to make things better. And making things better means dropping your concern and focusing on their feelings.

It puts you on the defensive. Once you're defending yourself against their counterattacks, you've lost control of the conversation. You're no longer addressing their behavior. You're proving you're not the monster they're painting you as. The original issue disappears.

It creates confusion. DARVO moves fast. By the time you realize what's happening, you're already tangled in accusations and counteraccusations. The clean, clear concern you started with has become a muddled mess. And in confusion, abusers thrive.

It works over time. The more DARVO succeeds, the less likely you are to bring things up at all. You learn that confrontation leads to you being attacked and blamed. So you stop confronting. You stop addressing problems. You start walking on eggshells. Which is exactly what they want.

Real Examples of DARVO

Example 1: The Affair

You: "I found your messages with someone else. You've been having an affair."

Deny: "Those messages are nothing. You're reading into things."

Attack: "You went through my phone? That's a complete violation of my privacy!"

Reverse: "This is why our marriage is failing. You don't trust me. You spy on me. I can't live like this anymore. You're emotionally abusing me."

Example 2: The Family Manipulation

You: "Mom, you told everyone at Christmas that I'm a terrible father."

Deny: "I never said that. You must have misheard."

Attack: "Why do you always twist my words? Why are you trying to make me the villain?"

Reverse: "I've only ever tried to help you. I'm your mother. And this is how you treat me? You're breaking my heart. I don't know what I did to deserve a son who treats me this way."

Example 3: The Workplace

You: "You took credit for my work in the meeting."

Deny: "I presented the project. I mentioned everyone's contributions."

Attack: "You're always so sensitive. Can't you just be a team player?"

Reverse: "I've been supporting you for months and this is the thanks I get? I'm starting to think you're the one with the problem here."

How to Counter DARVO

Recognize it immediately. The moment you notice the conversation shifting from their behavior to your character, name it internally. "This is DARVO." Awareness is your first defense. When you can see the manipulation, it loses much of its power.

Stay on topic. "We're not talking about my behavior right now. We're talking about what you did." Don't take the bait when they attack. Don't let them change the subject. Repeat your original concern as many times as necessary.

Don't defend against false accusations. When they attack your character, you don't have to prove them wrong. "That's not what we're discussing" is a complete response. The more you defend, the more you've accepted their framing.

Expect the tears and hurt feelings. When they play victim, remember that this is a tactic. Their tears don't mean you did something wrong. Their hurt feelings don't obligate you to abandon your valid concern. Empathy doesn't require you to accept abuse.

Document beforehand. Before the conversation, write down what happened and what you want to address. When DARVO starts spinning you around, you can return to your notes. Your written reality is harder to distort than your memory in the moment.

Have a witness. DARVO works best in private where no one else can see what's happening. When possible, have difficult conversations with a third party present. A counselor, mediator, or even a trusted friend can help keep the conversation on track and validate what actually happened.

Be willing to end the conversation. "I came to discuss X. If you're not willing to have that conversation, we're done here." You don't have to stay in a conversation where you're being manipulated. Walking away isn't losing. It's refusing to play a rigged game.

The Bigger Picture

DARVO isn't just a one time tactic. It's often part of a larger pattern of manipulation and abuse. People who regularly use DARVO are typically unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their behavior. They have a fundamental commitment to being the victim, never the perpetrator.

This makes genuine reconciliation almost impossible. You can't resolve problems with someone who denies causing them. You can't build trust with someone who attacks you for expressing concerns. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who constantly reverses reality.

If DARVO is a regular feature of your relationship, the issue isn't your communication style or your approach to conflict. The issue is that you're dealing with someone who will use any tactic to avoid accountability.

And that's not a communication problem. That's a character problem.

Trust Your Reality

After experiencing DARVO repeatedly, you may start doubting yourself. Maybe you are too sensitive. Maybe you do attack them unfairly. Maybe you are the problem.

No. What you're experiencing is the cumulative effect of repeated psychological manipulation. You're not crazy. You're not abusive for having concerns. You're not wrong for wanting accountability.

Your reality is real. Their denial doesn't change what happened. Their attacks don't mean you deserved it. Their victimhood doesn't make you the offender.

You know what you experienced. Trust it.