Flying Monkeys
When others do the narcissist's bidding.
The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sent her flying monkeys to do her dirty work. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are the people who carry out the narcissist's manipulation by proxy, often without realizing they're being used.
You might finally set boundaries with a toxic parent, only to have aunts, siblings, and cousins suddenly reaching out with messages about how you're being unfair. You might limit contact with a narcissistic ex, only to have mutual friends pressuring you to "just get along" or "think of the children." These people are flying monkeys, whether they know it or not.
How Flying Monkeys Are Recruited
Playing the victim. Narcissists are expert at reframing situations to cast themselves as the wronged party. They tell a story where you're the unreasonable one, where they've done nothing but try to help, where your boundaries are cruel rejection. People hearing only this side naturally sympathize.
Leveraging concern. "I'm just so worried about him." The narcissist frames their monitoring, control, and boundary violations as love. Flying monkeys think they're helping when they report back your activities, pressure you to reconcile, or guilt you for causing the narcissist pain.
Triangulation. Rather than addressing issues directly, the narcissist goes through third parties. They tell aunt Martha their version, knowing Martha will then contact you. This creates an illusion of widespread concern while allowing the narcissist to control the narrative while maintaining plausible deniability.
Exploiting obligation. "Your mother is getting older." "They're still your father." "Family is everything." Flying monkeys often appeal to cultural or religious expectations about family loyalty, not realizing that those expectations are being weaponized to enable abuse.
Types of Flying Monkeys
The innocent dupe. This person genuinely has no idea they're being used. They believe the narcissist's story completely because they've never seen the abusive side. They think they're helping, not realizing they're enabling continued abuse.
The enmeshed ally. This person is too connected to the narcissist to see clearly. They might be in their own enmeshed relationship with the narcissist, afraid to see reality because it would require them to face their own situation.
The conflict avoider. This person just wants everyone to get along. They're not evil; they're conflict-avoidant to a fault. They'd rather you endure abuse quietly than create the discomfort of family tension.
The co-abuser. Some flying monkeys aren't innocent. They enjoy the drama, benefit from the narcissist's favor, or have their own issues with you. They're not being used. They're collaborating.
Tactics Flying Monkeys Use
Guilt trips. "You're breaking your mother's heart." "How can you do this to the family?" "They're not going to be around forever." Designed to make you question your boundaries and feel like the problem.
Gathering information. "So how are things going?" Innocent-seeming conversations that fish for information to report back. The narcissist uses flying monkeys to monitor what they can no longer access directly.
Delivering messages. "Your dad wanted me to tell you..." "Mom just wants you to know..." The narcissist sends communications through others when direct contact has been limited.
Pressure campaigns. "You should really call him." "Just give her another chance." "Family is supposed to forgive." Sustained pressure to drop your boundaries and reconcile on the narcissist's terms.
Shaming. "I can't believe you'd treat your own mother this way." "What kind of person doesn't talk to their father?" Public or private shaming designed to isolate you and make you question your sanity.
How to Handle Flying Monkeys
Recognize what's happening. The first step is seeing the pattern. When multiple people suddenly reach out with the same messaging, that's not coincidence. You're facing a coordinated campaign, whether consciously coordinated or just naturally emerging from the narcissist's narrative.
Don't JADE. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Flying monkeys aren't approaching you with genuine curiosity. They've already decided who's right. Lengthy explanations just give them more material to report back or use against you.
Set boundaries on the conversations. "I'm not going to discuss my relationship with Mom." "This is between me and Dad." You can care about the flying monkey while refusing to let them be a conduit for narcissistic manipulation.
Limit information. Flying monkeys report back. Anything you share with them may reach the narcissist. Keep conversations surface level. Don't share your plans, your struggles, or your reasoning.
Assess each relationship individually. Some flying monkeys are worth educating if they're genuinely innocent and the relationship matters to you. Others need their own limits. Some are so aligned with the narcissist that continued relationship isn't possible.
Accept that some won't understand. You can't force people to see what they're not ready to see. Some flying monkeys will never recognize the narcissist's manipulation. That's their journey. Your job is to protect yourself, not to convince everyone.
When Flying Monkeys Wake Up
Sometimes flying monkeys eventually see through the narcissist. This often happens when the narcissist's mask slips with them personally, when they become a target after you've been discarded, or when they finally hear your side of the story and recognize the pattern.
When this happens, you have a choice about whether to rebuild the relationship. Consider: Were they an innocent dupe who genuinely didn't know better? Did they cause significant harm? Are they taking real responsibility or just looking for a new ally?
Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. You can release bitterness toward a former flying monkey while still choosing not to invite them back into your life.
Protecting Yourself Long Term
Flying monkeys are one of the hardest parts of recovering from narcissistic abuse. You can limit contact with the narcissist, but their flying monkeys keep the hooks in. The key is recognizing that you're not obligated to maintain relationships that function as extensions of the abuser's reach.
Your boundaries aren't cruel. Your self-protection isn't selfish. The people who genuinely love you will respect your limits even if they don't fully understand them. Those who can't respect your boundaries have revealed something important about their priorities.
Dealing with flying monkeys and narcissistic family systems? Coaching can help you develop strategies to protect yourself while maintaining the relationships that matter.
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