Gaslighting: When They Make You Question Reality

You remember the conversation clearly. You know what was said. But when you bring it up, they look at you like you've lost your mind. "That never happened." "You're imagining things." "I never said that."

And here's the thing: they say it with such conviction that you start to wonder. Maybe you did misremember. Maybe you are being too sensitive. Maybe you are the problem.

This is gaslighting. And it's one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse that exists.

What Is Gaslighting?

The term comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she's going insane by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that the lights have changed when she notices.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser makes you question your own memory, perception, and sanity. It's not just lying. Lots of people lie. Gaslighting is systematically dismantling your ability to trust yourself.

The goal is control. When you can't trust your own perception of reality, you become dependent on the gaslighter to tell you what's real. You stop believing your own eyes and ears. You stop trusting your own judgment. And that's exactly where they want you.

Common Gaslighting Tactics

Denying things you know happened. "I never said that." "That conversation never happened." "You're making things up." They say it with such certainty that you start doubting your own memory. Even when you have evidence, they'll deny it or claim the evidence is fake, taken out of context, or that you're misinterpreting it.

Trivializing your feelings. "You're overreacting." "You're too sensitive." "It's not that big of a deal." When you express hurt or concern, they minimize it. Over time, you stop trusting your own emotional responses. You start to believe that your feelings are wrong, that you're broken somehow.

Shifting blame. No matter what they did, it becomes your fault. "I wouldn't have yelled if you hadn't provoked me." "You made me do it." "If you were a better spouse, I wouldn't have to act this way." The narrative always gets twisted until you're apologizing for their behavior.

Rewriting history. They change the story of what happened to fit their narrative. Events get rearranged, motivations get rewritten, and somehow they always come out looking like the victim or the hero. If you challenge their version, you're accused of having a faulty memory or being vindictive.

Using your loved ones against you. "Your mother agrees with me that you're unstable." "Your friends told me they're worried about you." "Everyone sees it but you." They isolate you by making you believe that everyone else sees you the way they're describing you. Whether these conversations actually happened or not is irrelevant. The goal is to make you feel alone and crazy.

Projecting their behavior onto you. If they're lying, they accuse you of lying. If they're being controlling, they say you're the controlling one. If they're having an affair, they accuse you of cheating. This deflects attention from their behavior and puts you on the defensive.

Wearing you down over time. Gaslighting rarely starts with the big lies. It starts small. A minor denial here. A little minimization there. By the time the big manipulations come, you've already been conditioned to doubt yourself. The foundation of your reality has been eroded so slowly you didn't notice it happening.

Signs You're Being Gaslighted

You constantly second guess yourself. You used to be confident in your perceptions. Now you're not sure of anything.

You feel confused and "crazy" much of the time. You can't explain why you feel so destabilized, but something is deeply wrong.

You make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family. Deep down, you know something isn't right, but you've been trained to minimize it.

You apologize constantly. Even for things that aren't your fault. Even when you're the one who was hurt.

You withhold information from friends and family to avoid having to explain or make excuses. You're embarrassed by what's happening but you can't quite articulate why.

You know something is wrong but you can't identify what it is. You feel like you're living in a fog.

You've lost yourself. You don't recognize who you've become. The confident person you used to be has disappeared.

Why Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting is effective because it exploits your trust. You don't expect the people closest to you to systematically lie to you. So when they do, your brain tries to make sense of it in ways that don't require accepting that truth.

It also works because it's gradual. If someone denied reality completely on day one, you'd recognize it as crazy. But when it happens slowly over months or years, you adjust to each small distortion until your entire perception of reality has shifted.

And it works because gaslighters are often charming and convincing to everyone else. When you try to explain what's happening, other people don't see it. They see the public persona. This confirms what the gaslighter has been telling you: that you're the problem, not them.

The Spiritual Dimension

Scripture tells us that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Gaslighting is a tool of destruction. It steals your confidence. It kills your self trust. It destroys your connection to reality and to the people who love you.

Jesus said "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Gaslighting is the opposite. It traps you in lies and makes freedom feel impossible. Recognizing gaslighting for what it is, seeing the truth, is the first step toward freedom.

How to Reclaim Your Reality

Start documenting. Write things down. Save texts and emails. Keep a journal of conversations and incidents with dates and details. When you have a record, it's harder for them to rewrite history and harder for you to doubt your own memory.

Trust your body. Even when your mind is confused, your body often knows the truth. Pay attention to how you feel physically around this person. Do you feel tense? Anxious? Like you're walking on eggshells? Your nervous system is giving you information.

Find outside perspective. Talk to a counselor, coach, or trusted friend who understands manipulation. You need someone who can help you see clearly again. Someone who will believe you and validate your experience.

Educate yourself. The more you learn about gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, the easier it becomes to recognize the patterns. Knowledge is power. When you can name what's happening, it loses some of its power over you.

Set boundaries. You don't have to engage with every denial or distortion. "I know what I experienced" is a complete sentence. You don't have to prove your reality to someone who's committed to denying it.

Consider your options. Depending on your situation, staying may not be healthy or safe. Work with a professional to evaluate your circumstances and create a plan that protects your wellbeing.

The Truth About You

If you've been gaslighted, hear this: You're not crazy. You're not too sensitive. You're not imagining things.

You're a person who was systematically manipulated by someone who was supposed to love you. That's not a character flaw on your part. That's abuse.

Healing begins when you start trusting yourself again. It's a process. It takes time. But you can rebuild your connection to reality. You can learn to trust your own perceptions again. You can find your way back to yourself.

The fog does lift. The clarity does come. And when it does, you'll wonder how you ever believed the lies.