Hoovering: Why Narcissists Keep Coming Back

You ended it. You went no contact. You started putting your life back together. The fog is lifting. You're remembering who you were before them.

And then your phone buzzes. It's them. "I've been thinking about you." "I made a mistake." "I miss what we had."

Or maybe they don't contact you directly. They show up at places they know you'll be. They reach out through mutual friends. They post things on social media designed to get your attention.

This is hoovering. And understanding it might be the difference between staying free and getting sucked back in.

What Is Hoovering?

Hoovering is named after the vacuum cleaner brand. It's the narcissist's attempt to "suck" you back into the relationship after you've escaped or created distance.

Hoovering can happen days, weeks, months, or even years after the relationship ended. Just when you think you're finally free, they reappear. It's not a coincidence. It's a strategy.

And it's important to understand: hoovering is not about love. It's not about missing you. It's not about genuine change. It's about regaining a source of narcissistic supply that they lost access to.

Why Narcissists Hoover

Supply is running low. Narcissists need constant emotional fuel. When their current sources aren't providing enough, whether it's a new relationship that's losing its shine or other targets that have wised up, they return to reliable old sources. You've fed them before. They know you can feed them again.

They can't stand losing. Narcissists experience your departure as a narcissistic injury. You rejected them. You got away. This is intolerable to their ego. Hoovering is about winning, not reconciling. They need to prove they can still get you.

They sense you're healing. Narcissists often have an uncanny ability to reappear just when you're starting to feel better. It's not psychic. It's pattern recognition. They know how long it typically takes for their tactics to wear off, and they time their return accordingly.

They want to keep you in reserve. Even if they don't want you back full time, they want to make sure you're still available. Hoovering maintains their option on you. It keeps you from fully moving on so they can return whenever they need supply.

Control. Ultimately, narcissists are about control. Your leaving was an act of independence. Hoovering is about reestablishing dominance. If they can pull you back, they've proven they still have power over you.

Common Hoovering Tactics

The "I've changed" approach. "I've been doing a lot of work on myself." "I started therapy." "I finally understand what I did wrong." They say everything you wanted to hear when you were together. Don't be fooled. Genuine change takes years of consistent effort. A few weeks or months of "working on themselves" doesn't undo deeply ingrained patterns.

The nostalgia play. "Remember when we went to that place?" "I found an old picture of us." "That song we used to love came on the radio." They're trying to activate positive memories and make you forget why you left. Your brain holds both good and bad memories. They're strategically highlighting the good.

The emergency. "I'm really going through something." "My health isn't good." "I don't have anyone else to turn to." This exploits your empathy and caretaking tendencies. Maybe the emergency is real, maybe it's manufactured. Either way, it's designed to pull you back into their orbit.

The apology. "I'm so sorry for everything I did." Finally, the words you wanted. But notice: the apology usually comes without specific acknowledgment of their behavior, without genuine understanding of the impact, and without any demonstrated change. It's words designed to produce results, not an expression of authentic remorse.

The mutual friend route. "So and so mentioned you." They pump friends for information about you, or they use mutual connections to get messages to you indirectly. This maintains access while giving them plausible deniability.

The "accidental" contact. They just happen to show up at your gym, your church, your favorite restaurant. "What a coincidence!" It's not. They're engineering encounters to reestablish contact.

Social media manipulation. Posting things designed to get your attention. Song lyrics. Vague statements that could be about you. Photos from happier times. Liking old posts. Following and unfollowing to show up in your notifications.

The hostile approach. Not all hoovering is sweet. Sometimes they threaten, attack, or create problems specifically to force you to engage with them. Negative supply is still supply. Getting you angry is still getting a reaction.

Using children or family. If you share children, they may use custody issues to maintain contact. If you share family, they may manipulate family members to pass messages or create situations where you have to interact.

Why Hoovering Works

Hoovering is effective because it targets your vulnerabilities at precisely the right moment.

You're still trauma bonded. Even after leaving, the neurochemical attachment takes time to fade. Part of you still craves them. Hoovering activates that craving.

You want to believe they've changed. You invested in this relationship. You wanted it to work. When they say they've changed, they're offering you the version of them you always hoped for. It's hard to say no to hope.

You miss the good times. Abusive relationships aren't 100% bad. There were good moments. Maybe great moments. When you're lonely and struggling, it's easy to forget why you left and remember only what you've lost.

You doubt yourself. Gaslighting doesn't stop working the moment you leave. You may still wonder if you overreacted, if it was really that bad, if maybe you were part of the problem. Hoovering exploits this doubt.

You feel guilty. Especially if they're playing victim or claiming an emergency. Your conscience says maybe you should help, maybe you were too harsh, maybe you owe them something.

How to Resist Hoovering

Remind yourself why you left. Write down the worst moments. The lies. The manipulation. The way you felt. Read this list when they hoover. Your rose colored memories are not the whole truth.

Maintain no contact. Every response, even a negative one, reinforces that hoovering works. Block them on everything. Don't respond to messages. Don't engage through mutual friends. Silence is your strongest weapon.

Recognize the pattern. This isn't the first time they've promised to change, is it? How many times have they apologized and then done the same thing? Their words have no predictive value. Only their patterns do.

Talk to your support system. Call someone who knows the situation. Let them remind you of reality when your emotions are pulling you back. Don't make decisions alone when you're being hoovered.

Delay any response. If you absolutely must respond for logistical reasons like shared children, wait. Don't react immediately. Give yourself time to think clearly and respond strategically rather than emotionally.

Trust the pain. You didn't leave for no reason. The pain that drove you out was real. Don't let temporary loneliness convince you that going back is the answer.

The Hard Truth

Narcissists don't hoover because they love you. They hoover because they need you. There's a difference.

Love considers your wellbeing. Need just wants supply. Love respects your boundaries. Need violates them. Love accepts your decision. Need tries to override it.

When they come back with promises of change and declarations of love, ask yourself: are they showing you love, or are they showing you need?

The fact that they want you back doesn't mean they've changed. It means they haven't found a sufficient replacement. It means their ego can't accept that you got away. It means they still view you as a resource to be exploited.

You deserve more than being someone's backup supply. You deserve more than a relationship where you're constantly trying to get back to those good early days that were really just love bombing. You deserve more than hoping they'll become who they pretended to be.

When they hoover, remember: you left for a reason. The person hoovering you is the same person you escaped. The only thing that's changed is their tactics.