Communication Skills for Marriage
Being heard and hearing well.
Every couple says communication is their problem. They're usually right. Not because they don't talk, but because talking and communicating aren't the same thing. Real communication means your spouse actually receives and understands your message, and you receive and understand theirs.
This is a skill. It can be learned. Most of us never were taught it.
Why Communication Breaks Down
You're talking at each other, not with each other. Both partners are focused on making their point rather than understanding the other. It becomes debate, not dialogue.
You're reacting to what you think they mean. You hear their words through the filter of your assumptions, past hurts, and defensiveness. What you respond to isn't what they actually said.
Emotions hijack the conversation. When you're flooded with emotion, your brain shifts from problem-solving mode to fight-or-flight. You can't listen well when your body thinks you're under attack.
You're trying to win. Marriage isn't a competition. When you approach conflict trying to win, your spouse has to lose. Both of you defending your position means no one is working toward resolution.
Speaking So You're Heard
Use "I" statements. "I feel unheard when..." instead of "You never listen." Statements about your experience are harder to argue with than accusations about their behavior. "I" statements invite understanding. "You" statements invite defense.
Be specific. "You always..." and "You never..." are almost always inaccurate and immediately trigger defensiveness. Specific examples of specific behaviors are discussable. Broad generalizations aren't.
One issue at a time. Kitchen-sinking, bringing up every grievance in one conversation, overwhelms and derails. Pick one thing. Stay on it. Resolve it before moving to the next.
State your need. Don't make your spouse guess what you want. Say it clearly. "I need to feel like a priority" is more useful than "You're always on your phone" because it points toward solution rather than just complaint.
Choose timing. Important conversations need appropriate time and space. Don't ambush. Don't raise big issues when either of you is tired, stressed, or distracted. Ask "Is this a good time to talk about something important?"
Listening So They Feel Heard
Listen to understand, not to respond. While they're talking, you're probably preparing your response. Stop. Actually take in what they're saying. Your response can come after you've understood.
Reflect back what you hear. "So what you're saying is..." or "It sounds like you felt..." This does two things: verifies you understood correctly and makes them feel heard. Even if you disagree, they know their message landed.
Ask clarifying questions. When something is unclear, ask. "What do you mean by that?" "Can you help me understand?" Questions show engagement and prevent misunderstanding.
Validate their experience. Validation doesn't mean agreement. It means acknowledging that their feelings make sense given their perspective. "I can see why you'd feel that way" isn't conceding you're wrong. It's recognizing their humanity.
Don't interrupt. Let them finish. Even when you want to defend yourself. Even when they're saying something you think is wrong. Interruption communicates that your words matter more than theirs.
When Emotions Run High
The Gottman research shows that when heart rate exceeds about 100 beats per minute, productive conversation becomes nearly impossible. You're flooded. Your capacity for empathy and problem-solving shuts down.
When this happens, take a break. Not as avoidance but as self-regulation. "I need to calm down before we can talk about this productively. Can we take 20 minutes and come back?" Then actually come back.
During the break, do something that calms your nervous system. Don't stew on the argument or rehearse your points. The goal is returning to a state where real communication is possible.
The Four Horsemen
Gottman's research identified four communication patterns that predict divorce:
Criticism. Attacking character rather than behavior. "You're so selfish" versus "I felt hurt when you made plans without checking with me."
Contempt. Disgust, mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling. Contempt communicates "you're beneath me" and is the most destructive pattern.
Defensiveness. Counter-attacking or playing victim when receiving feedback. It says "the problem isn't me" and blocks resolution.
Stonewalling. Withdrawing, shutting down, refusing to engage. It leaves the other partner talking to a wall.
Learn to recognize these in yourself. When you notice them emerging, stop. Repair. Try again with healthier patterns.
Building the Habit
Good communication isn't just for conflict. Daily connection builds the foundation that makes hard conversations possible. Check in with each other. Ask about their day and actually listen. Share what's happening in your inner world.
Couples who communicate well daily handle conflict better because they have relational equity to draw on. They know each other. They trust each other's good intentions. They've practiced the skills in low-stakes situations.
Communication is the bloodstream of your marriage. Everything flows through it. Invest in it.
Want to improve communication in your marriage? Coaching can help you develop the skills to connect more deeply.
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